A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male!!!!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
Saturday, March 29, 2008
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
Friday, March 28, 2008
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
To which the Kuwaiti woman replied: "Land mines."
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
A society lady runs into the employment office one day and
demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner
party that night and her maid quit.
The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has
right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland.
They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but
needs someone right away.
The agency guy asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward.
She agrees to go and be trained.
Well, the dinner party comes and goes and works out just
fine. Molly does a great job. The next morning, the lady's
walking down the upstairs hall and sees Molly in one of the
guest rooms. Looks like she's making the bed but she's just
Curious, the woman walks in and looks over Molly's shoulder.
There on the bed lies a condom.
The lady turns bright red and tries to laugh it off. "Why
Molly," she says, "Surely you have those in Ireland, don't
Molly: "Shurin we do madam, but we don't skin em."
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.
"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."
"What catch?" the man asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are", he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looked down to his left side and let
out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!!! ... MY ROLEX!"
Monday, March 24, 2008
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHILE LYING ON THE OPERATING TABLE :
1. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingy."
2. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
3. "Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
4. "There go the lights again..."
5. "Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"
6. "Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off?"
7. "What's this doing here?"
8. "Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
9. "Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?"
10. "OK, now take a picture from this angle."
11. "Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough."
12. "Aauugh!! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"
13. "Man, I think I'm going to sneeze. Maybe not...yes....no... Oh well. Hand me the scalpel and let's get on with this."
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
It was one of the most gruesome cases ever to come before the court in the
small town, and if found guilty, the defendant would spend the rest of his
life behind bars.
The case had not been proceeding well for the defense. Though there was no
direct evidence, the circumstantial evidence was quote compelling.
The only chance the lawyer had was to cast some doubt in the minds of the
jurors. His only hope was to attack the testimony of the medical examiner.
Lawyer: "And prior to declaring the victim dead, did you check his pulse"?
Lawyer: "Did you perform CPR?"
Lawyer: "Did you do anything to determine if the victim was still alive
prior to declaring him dead?"
Lawyer: "Then, Doctor, isn't it possible that prior to declaring the
victim dead that, in fact, he may have been alive and that it was your
negligence that caused the death?"
Doctor: "Aside from the fact that his brain was in a jar, I suppose he
could have been out practicing law."
Two couples were playing cards.
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left.
Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did he give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
-- Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?'
-- Hannah, age 9
Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."
-- Michael, age 14
"Stay away from prunes."
-- Randy, age 9
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to."
-- Emily, age 10
"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."
-- Taylia, age 11
"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment."
-- Traci, age 14
"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac."
-- Andrew, age 9
"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time."
-- Kyoyo, age 11
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
-- Amir, age 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."
-- Kellie, age 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
-- Naomi, age 15
"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."
-- Lauren, age 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
-- Joel, age 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone."
-- Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat."
-- Eileen, age 8
Monday, March 17, 2008
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance. She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that....
Then the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on, as did their growing passion.... There came a moment when each knew they had to be together.
They knew it was wrong... their families would not understand ... but... so consumed in their passion, they didn't hear the door open... the click of the light switch ... the power was back on, and.............
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Three men and a woman are sitting at a bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says: "I'd describe myself as a Y.U.P.P.I.E. -- you know ... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The next chap says: "Oh, I'm a D.I.N.K. -- Double Income, No Kids."
The third bloke says: "Well I'm a R.U.B. -- Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask: "What are you?"
She replies, "I'm a W.I.F.E. -- Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."
John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs,
where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did", came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
"I'm going fishing."
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"It's a guy thing."
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"My wife doesn't understand me."
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
"I have no idea how it works."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"It's a really good movie."
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Go ask your mother."
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"I do help around the house."
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"I can't find it."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
Thursday, March 13, 2008
A bigshot city lawyer and an old country farmer got into a car wreck. They both got out of their cars to survey the damage, and the farmer realized he was at fault….
After looking over the impeccably dressed and dignified lawyer in his $2,000 suit, silk tie, starched white shirt and polished wingtip shoes, the farmer walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back. He handed it to the lawyer, and said, "Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this; it’s homemade. It'll steady your nerves."
The lawyer did. The farmer then said, "You still look a little bit pale. How about another?" And the lawyer took another swallow.
Then the farmer said “It’s might hot today. Folks ‘round here don’t usually wear shoes on a day like this. Why don’t you take off them fancy shoes, and the socks, too?”
The lawyer frowned, but after a few more sips, he took off his polished shoes and socks; the farmer laughed and said: “Why don’t you take off that fancy tie? And the suit jacket? You look kind of funny standing there barefoot in a suit!”
Off came the tie and the jacket of the $2,000 suit.
At the urging of the farmer, the lawyer then took another sip, and another, and another.The suspenders and the cufflinks and the briefcase were all in a heap now, and the lawyer was having a hard time standing up. Finally, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the farmer if he didn't think that he ought to have a little nip, too. "Not me", the farmer replied, looking at the lawyer, barefoot in a tee shirt and drunk as a skunk, "I'm waiting for the state trooper." . . . . . .
A very rich man, who was very close to his money, got together with his closest friends one day, who happened to be a Priest, a Doctor, and a Lawyer (of course.)
The Rich Man was very old, and getting older, and was thinking about his approaching death. He told his three friends this, and asked them to do a favor for him when he died.
"Here are three envelopes, each contain $100,000, one for each of you. I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money. Please, when I am buried, would each of you throw your envelopes
into the grave on top of my coffin?"
The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes. Sure enough (of course) the Rich Man died. At his funeral, the Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer threw their envelopes on his coffin.
As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others, "I have a confession to make. The church needed a new altar badly, so I . . . I took $5000 to buy it," and looked at his feet.
The Doctor said, "Well, since you've admitted it, I too must confess that I took money. The children's hospital where I work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took $30,000 to buy
The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the lawyer, expecting a similar confession. Instead, he said "Oh, no, I deposited the money in my account and dropped a check for all $100,000 in the envelope!"
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "Excuse me, would you have sex with a man you didn't know for one million dollars?"
She thinks about the proposition for a minute, and then
replies,"Yes, I would sleep with a man I don't know for a million dollars."
The man then asks,"Would you sleep with me for fifty cents?"
Insulted, the woman replies, "Of course not!! How could you ask me such a thing?"
The man states, "Well, we've already established the fact that you're a whore. Now I'm just haggling over the price."
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
Monday, March 3, 2008
Top ten reasons to tell if you were caught sleeping at the office.
10. They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
9. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time.
7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercies to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?
4. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!
3. The coffee machine is broken.
2. Someone must have put the decaf in the wrong pot.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
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A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
"Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"