A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar
and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men
sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to
the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest,
biker in the face and says:
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw
her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one
bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
"I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the
biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one
more time and says,
"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says............
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk"
Saturday, May 31, 2008
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar
Friday, May 30, 2008
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Thursday, May 29, 2008
This is a story about four people named Everybody,Somebody,Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody
would do it. Anybody could have done it,but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought
Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager,"he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be undone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Texan said .... "Well, dang-it, would you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
Monday, May 19, 2008
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
At 4 A.M.. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
For those who English is their second language:
A Polish lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." the lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the folling questions"
LAWYER: Have you any grounds? POLE: Ja, Ja, and acre and half.
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger? POLE: No, she white.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?POLE: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that? POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof? POLE: She bought a bottle at the drug store and put it on shelp in bathroom. I can read... it said
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.
To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".
He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"
Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".
Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.
This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.
Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".
The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!!!!!(10 times....... ...huh... ...MY GOD!!)
Monday, May 12, 2008
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 01P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on
the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded
the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 09 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to
bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think
librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a
few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he
observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and
the head and the ass are interchangeable.
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic . . ." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home . . . PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama . . . He used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook .. ."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.
Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"
The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."
"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"