Mole Jokes

Mole Jokes


Everything you ever wanted to know about moles

demoleition - The destruction which moles bring about in your yard.

dismole - being gloomy on Mole Day

imoleble - anything that does not have to do with a mole

mol - the symbol for mole

mole-mole - a mole double agent

molearchy - government in which moles are in complete control; under this government Mole Day is celebrated three times a year and chemistry is the only scientific subject taught in school

molebile - a mole which hangs from the ceiling; also a term describing anything which can move rapidly inderground

molect - the obsessive collection of Mole Day stuff including T-shirts, lawn decorations, pins, and endless other things

molectomy - the study of a mole's insides

molehill - a large hill made of dirt in your backyard, formed from moles borrowing underground; also a term used to describe anything that's pesky

moleism - the continual reverence of moles

molelaberate - working together on a project which includes moles

moleodic - a word describing the Mole Day songs which are played over the loudspeaker

moleskito - a tiny molelike creature with wings which drinks the blood of anyone who doesn't remember when Mole Day is

remoletly - obscurely having to do with a mole

remolte control - a devise used by moles to watch all their favorite television shows, such as Bill Nye the Science Guy and the Discovery Channel, particularly used by lazy papa moles

sophmole - anyone in the tenth grade who is taking Chemistry already

thermole - an adjective describing a mole of a highly explosive substance





Q: Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
A: It's mole-itically incorrect

Q: What is a mole's favorite movie?
A: The Green Mole

Q: What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
A: Moletiplication

Q: What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
A: Watermolens

Q: Why was there only one Avogadro?
A: When they made him, they broke the Moled

Q: What kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
A: Moleonucleosis

Q: What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A: A bunch of Moleasses

Q: What line from Shakespeare do high school moles have to memorize?
A: "To mole or not to mole, this is the question."

Q: What did Avogadro invent for his wife to use as a night cream?
A: Oil of Molay

Q: How much does Avogadro exaggerate?
A: He makes mountains out of mole hills

Q: What element do moles love to study in chemistry?
A: Molybdenum

Q: What is Avogadro's favorite kind of music?
A: Rock 'N' Mole

Q: What did Avogadro get when he mixed ice cream, chocolate syrup, and milk together?
A: A chocolate Molted

Q: What happens when a mole bites a dog?
A: He becomes Moleicious!

Q: Avogadro loved to watch MASH. Which character did he like most?
A: Father Molecahy

Q: What was Avogadro's favorite Indian tribe?
A: The Molehawks

Trust Mom

Trust Mom


Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Wife knows Best

Wife knows Best

A husband is watching footie when his wife interrupts, "Honey, the hallway light has been flickering for weeks. Can you fix it?"

He angrily looks at her and says, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Well, what about the fridge door. It doesn't close right"

"Fix the Fridge Door??? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Ok", she says, "then you could at least fix the front door steps. They're about to break."

"I ain't no damn Carpenter and I don't wanna fix any steps," he says. "Does it look like I've got ACE hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough. I'm off to the bar!"

After a couple of hours at the local, he feels guilty and decides to go home and make up with his wife. As he walks up to the house he notice the steps are fixed. As he goes into the house he sess the hall light is working, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed."

"Darling, how'd you get all this fixed?"

She replies: "Well, after you left I was sitting outside crying when a nice young man asked what was wrong. I told him, he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was to either bake a cake or go to bed with him."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Helllllloooooo.......Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

Sexy Secretary

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse.
"Look what he did to my breasts!"

Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway

when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands

him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old

lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

The afterlife

The afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact,

'Mary. Mary.'

'Is that you, Fred?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.

The next day it starts again.'

'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'

'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk.'

An Absolutely Brilliant Story, ENJOY!

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,

"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her,

"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world,an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, BOOM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world.

And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, BOOM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,

"I'd like to have a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink.. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Doctor's Advice

Dr. Bob is an expert in his field!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, green leafy vegetables). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie! One more thing "When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and the salt."

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Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

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A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

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The feminist...

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," so she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm twelve blocks past my stop already."

Top 10 things only women understand

Top 10 things only women understand

10) Cats' facial expressions.

9) The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8) Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7) “Fat” clothes.

6) Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5) The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.

4) Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3) Eyelash curlers.

2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

1) Other women.

Whom To Marry (According To Kids)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should
keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.
-- Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8 (this one has very good morals)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
out.
-- Theodore, age 8

( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

A Day in Court

A Day in Court

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very
high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its
14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to
deliver its verdict to the judge.

The judge turned to the jury foreman and asked, "Has the
jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, Your Honor," the foreman responded.

"Please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned
for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the
foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge read the verdict himself, he delivered the
verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the
foreman. He then instructed the foreman, "Please read your
verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank
robbery," announced the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jumped for joy at
the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and they hugged each
other as they shouted expressions of divine gratitude. The
defendant's attorney turned to his client and asked, "So,
what do you think about that?"

The defendant looked around the courtroom slowly with a
bewildered look on his face and then turned to his defense
attorney and said, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean
that I have to give all the money back?"

Legal Eyesight

Legal Eyesight

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit
this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I plainly saw him take the goods."

The lawyer asked again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are
you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asked, "Sam, listen: you are 80 years old
and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see
at night?"

Sam replied, "I can see the moon -- how far is that?"

Why are some hair white

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do
the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her
mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast
on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some
of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong
and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Be sure and Cancel your Credit Cards Before You Die

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, an d added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in
January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. "

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both !"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank : "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

< B>Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep bi lling her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank< /B>: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet???