Doctor's Advice

Dr. Bob is an expert in his field!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, green leafy vegetables). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie! One more thing "When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and the salt."

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Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

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A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

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The feminist...

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," so she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm twelve blocks past my stop already."

Doctors vs. Coaches

Former college basketball coach Abe Lemmons made the following observations concerning the differences between doctors and coaches:

- Doctors can bury their mistakes - Coaches still have theirs on scholarships.

- Finish last in your league and they call you an idiot - Finish last in medical school and they call you a doctor.

- Just once I'd like to see the win-loss records of doctors right out front where people can see them: Won ten, Lost three, Tied two.

Crazy Patients

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.

He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.

The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Need Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Labour Pains

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

Breast Exam Poem

For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care, My doctor found a lump. She ordered up a mammogram, To look inside that bump. "Stand up very close" she said. As she got my boob in line, "And tell me when it hurts" she said. "Ah yes! There, that's fine.

She stepped upon a pedal. I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate pressed down and down, My boob was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and stretched, From way up under my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt. Within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this viscous thing, My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. "Now, let's have a go at the other one." Lord have mercy I was praying.

It squeezed me from up and down. It squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet she's never had this done, Not to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, And see how they come out!

Mechanic Vs. Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running!

The Faith Healer

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

Midget Surgery

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

It's My Job

Joe was moderately successfull in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. He finally sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to solve the problem is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized without the headaches he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Lets see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "Thats right,how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman said "Lets see...34 sleeve 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, How did you know?"
"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and was adjusting the collar in the mirror when the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said,"Lets see...9-1/2 E."
Joe was astonished, "Thats right,how did you know?"
"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating Joe said, "Sure.."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see...7-5/8"

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great,when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said "Sure."
The salesman stepped back,eyed Joe's waist and said, "let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed,"No, Ive worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Following doctor's orders

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at the local Medical Clinic
>to get a physical.
>
>A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
>gorgeous young woman on his arm.
>
>A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
>doing great, aren't you?"
>
>"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'", Morris
>replied.
>
>To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a
>heart murmur, be careful!"

Naughty mind....High expectations

It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!!!!!(10 times....... ...huh... ...MY GOD!!)

5 Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.


The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'


The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think
librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical
order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a
few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he
observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate

on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and
the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Farting All The Time

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live longer than your kids do.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Hospital....................The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Secretion...................Hiding something
Tablet......................A small table to change babies on.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of mine.
Varicose....................Near by

The Pharmacist

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

Hospital News

A sweet grandmother telephoned a Hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her record say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me anything!"

What Doctors can do

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking
for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of
them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way
behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains or soul, put her in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work in one week.

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHILE LYING ON THE OPERATING TABLE

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHILE LYING ON THE OPERATING TABLE :

1. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingy."

2. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

3. "Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

4. "There go the lights again..."

5. "Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"

6. "Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off?"

7. "What's this doing here?"

8. "Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."

9. "Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?"

10. "OK, now take a picture from this angle."

11. "Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough."

12. "Aauugh!! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

13. "Man, I think I'm going to sneeze. Maybe not...yes....no... Oh well. Hand me the scalpel and let's get on with this."

Lawyer vs Doctor

It was one of the most gruesome cases ever to come before the court in the
small town, and if found guilty, the defendant would spend the rest of his
life behind bars.

The case had not been proceeding well for the defense. Though there was no
direct evidence, the circumstantial evidence was quote compelling.

The only chance the lawyer had was to cast some doubt in the minds of the
jurors. His only hope was to attack the testimony of the medical examiner.

Lawyer: "And prior to declaring the victim dead, did you check his pulse"?

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you perform CPR?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you do anything to determine if the victim was still alive
prior to declaring him dead?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Then, Doctor, isn't it possible that prior to declaring the
victim dead that, in fact, he may have been alive and that it was your
negligence that caused the death?"

Doctor: "Aside from the fact that his brain was in a jar, I suppose he
could have been out practicing law."