The New Maid

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and
demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner
party that night and her maid quit.

The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has
right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland.
They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but
needs someone right away.

The agency guy asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward.
She agrees to go and be trained.

Well, the dinner party comes and goes and works out just
fine. Molly does a great job. The next morning, the lady's
walking down the upstairs hall and sees Molly in one of the
guest rooms. Looks like she's making the bed but she's just
standing there.

Curious, the woman walks in and looks over Molly's shoulder.
There on the bed lies a condom.

The lady turns bright red and tries to laugh it off. "Why
Molly," she says, "Surely you have those in Ireland, don't
you?"

Molly: "Shurin we do madam, but we don't skin em."

Double The Wish

A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."

"What catch?" the man asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"What is your third and final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"

My Lexus

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door a truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are", he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looked down to his left side and let
out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!!! ... MY ROLEX!"

Funny Picture : Professional Photographer

Funny Picture : Running Dogs

Funny Picture : New Sony Tv

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHILE LYING ON THE OPERATING TABLE

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHILE LYING ON THE OPERATING TABLE :

1. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingy."

2. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

3. "Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

4. "There go the lights again..."

5. "Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"

6. "Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off?"

7. "What's this doing here?"

8. "Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."

9. "Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?"

10. "OK, now take a picture from this angle."

11. "Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough."

12. "Aauugh!! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

13. "Man, I think I'm going to sneeze. Maybe not...yes....no... Oh well. Hand me the scalpel and let's get on with this."

Funny Picture : Kungfu Cat

Funny Picture : Nokia Camera Phone

Funny Picture : Hampster Cage

Lawyer vs Doctor

It was one of the most gruesome cases ever to come before the court in the
small town, and if found guilty, the defendant would spend the rest of his
life behind bars.

The case had not been proceeding well for the defense. Though there was no
direct evidence, the circumstantial evidence was quote compelling.

The only chance the lawyer had was to cast some doubt in the minds of the
jurors. His only hope was to attack the testimony of the medical examiner.

Lawyer: "And prior to declaring the victim dead, did you check his pulse"?

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you perform CPR?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you do anything to determine if the victim was still alive
prior to declaring him dead?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Then, Doctor, isn't it possible that prior to declaring the
victim dead that, in fact, he may have been alive and that it was your
negligence that caused the death?"

Doctor: "Aside from the fact that his brain was in a jar, I suppose he
could have been out practicing law."

Willing for a shilling

Two couples were playing cards.

John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left.

Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asked, "Did he give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

Excuses, excuses

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Good Advice From Kids

"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
-- Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?'
Don't answer."
-- Hannah, age 9

Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."
-- Michael, age 14

"Stay away from prunes."
-- Randy, age 9

"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to."
-- Emily, age 10

"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."
-- Taylia, age 11

"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment."
-- Traci, age 14

"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac."
-- Andrew, age 9

"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time."
-- Kyoyo, age 11

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
-- Amir, age 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."
-- Kellie, age 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
-- Naomi, age 15

"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."
-- Lauren, age 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
-- Joel, age 10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone."
-- Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat."
-- Eileen, age 8

A Smart Blonde and A Lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.